where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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