I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize