I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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