Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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