Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
