I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she pinky promised me she was 18
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
