I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
