Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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