Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
