that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
