This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
