He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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