There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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