see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
