what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
