You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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