I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
