Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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