she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
