Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
