I am spending my child support on dildos
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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