On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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