my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
where are my eyebrows?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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