I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
