can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
