Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
