Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
