This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
