Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Couch. On fire.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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