I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
