Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
