Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
