My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
