I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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