My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
