I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
