You made me cry and you don't even care
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.