sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.