Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
