just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
