I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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