dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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