Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
