Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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