I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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