i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
