He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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