Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
