theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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