I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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