you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
