my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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