i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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