Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
