1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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