Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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