The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
