Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
