I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
