i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
