The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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