And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
