Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
