things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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